Motherhood and Teens

So, I am writing here because I don't think any of my people read this...

That being said:

Last year I got 'custody' of my niece.  She is 17, she has been tossed aside by everyone.  Or she tossed them aside, I am not sure which.  Whichever, she has been basically on her own since she was 14.  She has had to manipulate and fight for anything she got.

It has been a longstanding dream to be reunited with my brother's children, whom I lost contact with after they went back to their mother after living with me for a few months more than a decade ago.  In fact I keep specific emails open because of that dream.

But now, I think that it is useless.  I think that she is just using me until she gets a better ride.  And I don't think she has any affection or loyalty to me at all.  I talked to a friend who works with 'at risk youth'.  And she said she has attachment disorder and that she doesn't have the capacity to feel those things for me.  And that a facility with trained people is the place for her.  But she is graduated from High School and she is almost 18 so that is not going to happen.  And instead she is going to go out into the world this way.

On the one hand it is easy for me to say that the things that trouble her is trivial when they cause her to overreact or that her behavior is unacceptable no matter where or with whom she lands. 

All I know is I have NEVER been prepared for a teenager and NOW I know I am not prepared.  I am completely out of my depth.  And all I have known how to do is protect myself from the fall out and I do that by closing off my heart and my 'sensitive areas' from her venom.

I know every abused person says this but she is not always venomous, but when she is WOW!  And I find that I am not willing to wade through the venom to get to the good stuff.  I find that the more I am around her the more convinced i become that she will do as her parents did so often and that is get me all attached and involved only to take the kids away from me for god knows how long.  I find myself unwilling to go down that heartbreak again.

But Mother's aren't supposed to give up right?  I think that it is a blessing in disguise that I never became one.

The Visit that changed everything.

I was visiting a friend that looked me in the eye and said “Michelle, you do know that in six weeks your body could look completely different don’t you?” To which I replied “No, I don’t think I do know that. I mean look at me.” She then proceeded to tell me about some exercises that she felt like the Lord had given her that would cause you to see differences almost immediately. She showed them to me and then I did them. I asked questions about how to do them and then performed them. This time was key because I had gotten books and videos before and they had done no good. I had not realized that I needed personal instruction. I did not know how to exercise. So, someone telling me to do this or that exercise did me know good. I did not know what they were talking about. I had never done it. So, little did I know that the personalized instruction from someone that I knew loved me and wanted the best for me was very important.
I have some problem areas that I wanted addressed.
1. My double chin. I don’t want to go from a double chin to flabby skin.
2. My arms. I want them to be and look strong, like what actresses are now letting their arms look like.
3. My chest. My breasts have always tended to migrate down and outward until, even as a teenager it could appear when I lay down that I was fairly flat-chested. Also with age my breasts became very saggy, now not as much.
4. I have rolls on my stomach. And I want to get rid of them, yes, but I also want the muscles to be strong when I do.
5. My but has always been larger than I would like but it has also been perky but now it is not and that has to change.
6. My legs. My thighs are too fat and my calf’s are too muscular. And as a result of all this weight my ankles swell
So, I knew what to change I did not know how to change.
My friend gave me the answer. She showed me some simple exercises that I could do at home with NO SPECIAL EQUIPMENT! I did not even need weights I found out.
When she showed me the exercises she told me not to laugh. I thought, “of course” I mean what could be funny about exercise? But, as she showed me the chest exercise I could not help but laugh. This exercise turned out to be the one that not only was the funniest but also was the one that would yield the most immediate results. Calf raises that had at one time been the bane of my existence when my ex-husband had done them unceasingly yielded the next visible results.
For weights I used boxes of Trivia Pursuit cards but initially I thought of using full water bottles. This was the only equipment besides the floor that I would end up needing.

Weightloss

My weight is currently 288 lbs or 120 kilos. My BMI or body mass idex is 40, which basically means that I have 40% body fat. I wear a size 24 or XXL sometimes XXXL. I have trouble sleeping sometimes because I snore or just the other day I snorted my self awake.

I want to begin this blog now so that maybe people are informed and encouraged by my story. This is not really the beginning but this is where I will begin. The beginning of my story is 16 years ago when I gained most of my weight.

Photo

this is me I had to do this so that I could have a picture of myself to put with my profile. I don't really have anything interesting to say.